Wife: “We’ve had too many children. Where will they all sleep?”

Husband: “I don’t know. Just stack ’em in the corners or something.”

– how bunk beds were invented

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[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510


My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.


Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime


5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff


ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here


My relationships are like pharmaceutical ads. Promising at first, but they end with a string of dire warnings I wish I’d listened to.


“ALL I WANNA DO IS HAVE SEX WITH MINERS!” is the exact wrong way to proclaim your sexual proclivity toward those who excavate coal.



DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]


Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha