[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
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Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Jesus steals the winter solstice
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )