Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
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“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭