Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
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Single and straight: 3%
Taken and straight: 15%
Which US state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda
If you are cornered by raccoons in the wild then place your thumb and index finger tips together- make a bandit mask. They will accept you.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I?T? D?O?E?S? T?O?O? T?A?S?T?E? L?I?K?E? B?E?E?R?? money.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Wife: I told you not to go near that raccoon.
Me: *bleeding excessively* Tim and I just signed a blood pact of friendship.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?