@TweetPotato314

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

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@TheAlexNevil

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

@charliedelta7

Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Lesbians: 12%
Taken and straight: 15%
Men: 70%

@JT_IV_

If you are cornered by raccoons in the wild then place your thumb and index finger tips together- make a bandit mask. They will accept you.

@sixfootcandy

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

@Darlainky

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I?T? D?O?E?S? T?O?O? T?A?S?T?E? L?I?K?E? B?E?E?R?? money.

@SamSkoronski

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

@Sleinso

Wife: I told you not to go near that raccoon.

Me: *bleeding excessively* Tim and I just signed a blood pact of friendship.

@Kids_kubed

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?