Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

#SaturdayBears

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

White Castle for the Win

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat