Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

I’m already scared

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now