Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You might just have to resign…

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

Introducing new iPhone 5 features:

– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

A male goth is called a broth.

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?