Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

how was your vacation

1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’