Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

god: okay the day that is happening now is called today

angel: *writing* ok

god: and the day that just ended is called terday

angel: terday?

god: yes terday

angel: *writing* ok

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.