Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?

Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.

Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…