Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
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There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.