Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”