Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time