Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

Hey i am sexy to you now

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again