Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
You Might Also Like
bout dat hot dog summer
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
oh you wanna fight?!
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them