wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
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im gay on my mothers side
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
The cashier just checked me out.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
War & Peace
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Monday Lisa
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.