wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
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“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Worlds greatest photobomb
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor