wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
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Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?