Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
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Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]