@LeBearGirdle

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

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@TwinSurvivalist

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

@BromanConsul

GOD: hey can I have one of your ribs
Adam: what for
GOD: uhh science project
Adam: you hate science
GOD: look do u wanna get laid or not

@murrman5

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

@aka_fatman

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

@dubstep4dads

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

@stevevsninjas

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

@GinAndJif

Pretend you’re in Game of Thrones by shouting “Open the gate!” as you stride purposefully towards an automatic door.