Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
You Might Also Like
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.