Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

For anyone who needs this today

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

Xylophonist Shredding It

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”