Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

Noah was an idiot.

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.