wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
