Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

He just like my cat fr

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.