wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
“our sushi is very fresh”
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
