Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
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Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
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ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.