Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
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My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
