Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.