“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
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I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*