Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!

ME: …

DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!

ME: …

BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!

ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.

MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full