Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor

HEYYYY MACARENA

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.