Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

the prophecy has been fulfilled

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

#have a #great #PancakeDay