Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
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judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Seems kinda suspicious
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
A roof is a house hat.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
thank god
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?