Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
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I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”