Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that