Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

😂🖐️

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.