wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
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Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
This did not end as expected.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
you have three unread messages
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
birds and squirrels envy us
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.