wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
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My bad habits got renewed for another season.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
…żyje?
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?