wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
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Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found