Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

[Karaoke Bar]

Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶

Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.