Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

they finally got him. they got macavity

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.