Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
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Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.