Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

The Joker was right

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

You had me at “define legal”.

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.