Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
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ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
The symmetry is uncanny.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.