@KalvinMacleod

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

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@Goofpoops

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

@CornOnTheGoblin

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

@XplodingUnicorn

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

@Sachin_Sahel

I don’t mean to alarm anyone but the Winchesters are retiring this year and Pestilence just rode in on a white horse.

@fishbowel

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

@HomeWithPeanut

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

@MorticiaKate

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

@fro_vo

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

@MumsieEsq

When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you’re like “where did you find this, I didn’t give you any cheese today?”

@elunatyk

I am taking a vow of celibacy. I will not have any sex until somebody is willing to have sex with me. I stand firm on this.