Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
You Might Also Like
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees