Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
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I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Bobby pin
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.