Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
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🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
No one can handle that
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also