Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
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I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
This is me 🤣🤣
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair