wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
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I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Scream sneezers need love too.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
