Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me:

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.