Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

Worth remembering.

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

hand it over!

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.