Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

Solving a traffic jam

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.