@HomeWithPeanut

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

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@MarlonBrandNO

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

@818Newbie

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

@DrakeGatsby

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

@rickolantern

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

@Humor_Fetish

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

@thesulk

Pizza Hut ad: “Do you want the same old same old, or do you want the original?” Think about these words.

@forensictoxguy

I just got kicked out of a flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

@alovablenerd

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

@Breadery

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

@suecorvette

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago