I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
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I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Pizza Hut ad: “Do you want the same old same old, or do you want the original?” Think about these words.
I just got kicked out of a flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline had pushed anyone over the edge yet.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago