Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
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I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?