Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
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Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*