Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
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Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.