Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
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Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
The symmetry is uncanny.
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
The Backseat Boys
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?