Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
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The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
nobody’s gonna understand