wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
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A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
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Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
