wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
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Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Comparing yourself to others
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.