Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

ㅤ

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair