Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

Cause of death: Zumba

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher