WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
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I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.