Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today

Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee

Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.