Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

same energy

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1634742142638718978/pu/vid/608x1080/cOv2gptzTkaz-rL2.mp4?tag=12

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

I wish I were this cool 😂

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1585689012278263816/pu/vid/720x1280/Roajdo397FnAuLi6.mp4?tag=12

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”