Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.