@JB4Realz

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

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@Jam453Lane

My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.

@slimmy_shady

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

@SaltyCorpse

Holy shit.

My daughter found something on her own.

Am I done? Is she raised now?

@AbbyHasIssues

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

@frenziedandfine

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

@_GrahamPatrick

PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet?
HUSBAND: Oh, it’s a bit of a fairytale, right darling?
[wife is clearly a wolf in a dress]
WIFE: Yes.

@SatansTongue

Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want

@Epygma

*i get chased into a dark alley*
Please no
*two men walk up to me holding a knife*
“If you join our insurance you can save up to-”
NOOOOOOO

@TeaAndCopy

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

@bellicosejason

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.