@dysondoc Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
@JB4Realz WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
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@dysondoc 
@PleaseBeGneiss [first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
@truegritrumble I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
@Reverend_Scott [holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
@JimmerThatisAll This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
@UncleDuke1969 Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
@darrinfb It’s so hot outside I almost called my ex over so I could stand by something shady.
@jaxxygrant Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
@DanMentos [first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
@fizzlestothetop Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.