My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
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If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
My daughter found something on her own.
Am I done? Is she raised now?
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet?
HUSBAND: Oh, it’s a bit of a fairytale, right darling?
[wife is clearly a wolf in a dress]
Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want
*i get chased into a dark alley*
*two men walk up to me holding a knife*
“If you join our insurance you can save up to-”
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.