WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
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[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain
[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
It’s so hot outside I almost called my ex over so I could stand by something shady.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.