
My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Holy shit.
My daughter found something on her own.
Am I done? Is she raised now?
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet?
HUSBAND: Oh, it’s a bit of a fairytale, right darling?
[wife is clearly a wolf in a dress]
WIFE: Yes.
Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want
*i get chased into a dark alley*
Please no
*two men walk up to me holding a knife*
“If you join our insurance you can save up to-”
NOOOOOOO
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.