WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
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*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this