Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

*aggressively skips to my Lou*