Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.

CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.