Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?
Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.
W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?
M: Don’t know. Just Google it.
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Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.