Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?
Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.
W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?
M: Don’t know. Just Google it.
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* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
The Punning Dead.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
My circle of trust is a meatball
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.