wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
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PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
