Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR